Surreal but Nice

burn the rain
tonight we'll bathe on fire
hurt the pain
stab the heart's desire

love the hate
scream the silent anger

tame the rage
and ill begin your finale

Art, from what ive learned, supposedly should give you bliss. Should appeal to your sense or emotions. The art of letting go, somehow is ironic. Letting go, in itself, is excruciating. Its like dementors, sucking all the happiness that you have left for yourself, making you a self-less emo kid, unwanted.. entangled in the state of confusion, trying to get somewhere but going nowhere.

Today, i feel like ive been mixed and stirred with sadness and happiness all together. But then the sadness in me still facades reality. Lately, my LSS has been 'Superhuman', I don't know why, but for some reason it keeps me strong. As what this 'guy' has told me, I am a strong person. But i doubt to believe, slap me in face, yeah, I can handle that. Pressure me with work, that's fine by me. But hurt my heart, ill tremble.. crushed like stones in the sea ravaged by the mighty waves.

Yeah, falling in love and falling out of love so fast. Is like a roller coaster ride. Seriously,its like going through hell and back. I fell in love, yes, just a couple of weeks ago. I thought, its going to be easy, i thought that he's going to help out, so that we can get through what we were facing. All that was in between us is distance, i asked for time, patience, he promised me he'd be waiting. My world revolved around him, I wanted to please him, I wanted to make everything perfect.. for him, for us. All the while that I was falling for him, he on the other hand was not so sure what he has gone through.

I was trying to deny the fact, trying to make myself believe, that he might, he could really be in love with me, not minding my physical appearance. Not minding my status in life. Let's face it, I'm not a headturner, I'm not the prettiest, nor the sexiest. I dont plan to be one of those people. But a part of me wanted to be the person that you normally see in tv, when he became a part of my life. I felt that what I have was not good enough, that what i am was not good enough. And its degrading. I tried to look good, to impress him. And believe me, it made me feel like an idiot. I've never felt so insecure,i have never hated myself.

I hated how i wanted to change myself so that i could please him. I hated the fact that I had to humble myself just for him to love me. And its pathetic. I felt like I was this desperate woman, asking for alms just to get what she wants. I never thought that what i was aiming for, is not a NEED in my life, it was the WANT for pleasure. Disgusting. I feel horrible.

But then again, I can't deny the fact, that I fell in love. And until now, the fire, the hurt, the pain, the scar, the want, the desire and everything that I'm feeling is still there. Unchanging. Constantly craving.

END.