Surreal but Nice

This week was a blur. It has been a roller coaster ride if you want to sum it all up. The meeting, the closure and everything else in between.

The meeting was nostalgic, he looked exactly like the ex brought back to life, creepy? Nope. Not all.

The everything-else-in-between was a ride. I had fun no doubt about it. I was in love, no doubt about that as well. But everything else was a given. It is something permanent. Something not even the gods of who-knows-what can do.

The ending. Hurts. And all I have is a scarred memory.

I wonder why beauty is such a want these days? Everywhere you look you'd see commercials and advertisements about products, food, and even technology that can enhance your beauty or make you beautiful. I don't have anything against beautiful people, it's just, the more they advertise and commend beauty, the more pressure they put on those people who doesn't really have what it takes. 

At church today, our pastor read to us the Paradox of Life. The irony of what's going on with the world. It really is a shame sometime. The world has offered too many things we tend to forget those simple things. Some of my favorite lines were:

Last night was a blur, I know my body was so tired but as much as I want to sleep. I couldn't. My head was hurting so much, I couldn't endure it. But my body just won't shut down. Lying awake, I remember some things from the past. The regrets and the humiliation. I wondered.

Ok, So I got nothing to do awhile ago. And my dog Choi, being the cutest thing ever and someone who never fails to cheer me up, decided to go inside this blue pale. Obviously he can't fit and I have no idea how he managed to get his self in there. @_@ But when I found him in there, I started to laugh my ass off and had to take a picture of him. Of course for remembrance. Look how kawaii he is. H4ckz0rs!! :p

I have come to realize that Internet has taken much of my time these days. I figured that if I'm going to make myself a better person. I need to start now. Take all the addiction away and start anew.

Today, I enrolled myself for a gym program. Make myself healthy for a change. I've been sick lately, and I don't like it. Also, I've started to study about Photoshop. It really amazes me that there are millions of people who are very talented,creative and exceptional.

Tomorrow, I'm planning to go to my dentist to have my teeth cleaned. I might have braces put on.

But I'll keep updating my blog. :)

Ciao~

Midnight and everyone is feeling the intensity brought about by this alcoholic drink. Numb. That's what everybody was feeling. Happy. That's what everyone's trying to portray. Sheer disquise of this liquor had brought everyone to never ending strut and shouting. Everyone was on a high. The laughing and story telling that seemed forever. At the back of my head, I asked,"When will they conclude the night?"

I looked at him. He looked back. He was blushing, not because he was ashamed, but because of the booze he's been sipping for five hours. He held out his hand, I reached out for it. And he held me tighter. Something's not right. I thought. But the mind couldn't took over the heart. I sat close. Closer than you could ever imagine.

The next hour was unpredictable. He offered a drink. I remembered it was iced tea. I knew it was. The taste and the look of it are that of an iced tea. After a few minutes, I started to feel faint. Like everything around me twirls like the sun. I took his hand and held it tighter. But the grip was different. There was something I'm not sure about.

And then I passed out.

I felt stabbing inside of me. My head is too heavy that I can't lift my body up. And all that I hear are laughs, murmurs and groans. My legs insensible, my hands tied down, and my vision's a blur. I knew I was crying. Two men held me down. Laughing like devils. And he, he was there. Unclad, exhausted and devious. I tried to fight back, tried to ask for help. All I could do was cry and beg.

I lost consciousness again.

Morning came and the sky was gloomy. It was raining. I saw myself covered in satin blanket. My garments all over the room. And there he is. Sleeping in serenity, as if nothing happened. And here I am confused, tormented and abused. I had to pull myself together. I grabbed my clothes, wore it in. And hurriedly went home. I locked myself in the bathroom, so I won't see me cry, so I won't be ashamed.

And the next day nothing was told. I stopped looking. I stop speaking. I stopped. And became someone else. I evicted who I was. I forgotten everything that I was.

This story was left untold.

Until now.

high school is over and college was not i thought it'll be. college was tough and i mean tough. there's competition, breaking rules and getting out there to explore. college was even worse.

i met 3 girls in college. the copycat, the trying hard and the desperate wannabe.

let's start with the copycat, she came from a not-so-popular-school, a decent one, but not the kind you hear everyday. its one of those schools that was actually founded by a church. you get the idea don't you? a school created by a church so they can spread the news. whatever news that'll be. she was the type of girl who doesn't really know what's going on. she was practically clueless and naive at some point. so, when you're clueless and out of this world? what do you basically do? do what everyone else does. she tried to be like her friends, how they dress, how they talk, what they eat, what they like, what they hate, who their boyfriends were, who to like, what to study and what to do. actually, she tried to become like them.

aside from her, we have miss trying hard. she, like the copycat, tried to fit in. while copycat was clueless, she on the other hand, knows whats going on. the thing is, its not like her. and whats worse, it doesn't look good on her. the trying hard, was not that rich, she actually didn't have a fortune to buy whatever she like, or whatever her friends has. so what she does is she doesn't eat. she saves her money to get what her friends has. she buys expensive clothes, eats at expensive restaurants. she tried so hard to fit in to this group of people she called friends. "so-called-friends". she puts on make up even if doesn't look good on her. tried to strut an apparel even if looks hideous on her. and tried to be demure and beautiful, even if she wasnt. trying so damn hard. but always fucked up.

then we have the desperate wannabe.. well she is pretty much like, the trying hard. but what happened to her, is even worse. to put up with all of her wants, she steals money, she sold her expensive items just to buy things that she wants and that she could show off to her friends. thing is her parents gave her what she needs. but doesn't allow her to have things that are not important at this point of her life. and that's what she hated. so in order to get what she wants. she sold whatever she can find that's expensive. you may want to count her necklace, her earrings. and her moms rings. and everything. she drastically tried everything she could think of.

all of them,as much as they want to be happy, didn't have a happy life. from the looks of it, it was actually hell. they wanted people around them to like them, that they wanted to be like them, when in reality these "friends" that they call them, hated them for trying. would not even care for them.

there's this girl i met back in high school.she was in the top section. she was the quiet one. one who wanted everything in place. the obsessive compulsive, the self proclaimed righteous, and the one who doesn't make mistakes. or at least someone who's afraid of mistakes. afraid of failures. and scared of being laughed at. her faith was only with her family and God.

being raised in a family that only wants excellence, her main duty was to make sure that she follows her sisters footsteps. to be, if not better than her sister, at least on that same page. she tried everything on making her grades as high as possible,she studied hard, get her projects accomplished on time, being on top, making her way to the honor's list, you know, the normal things that an achiever normally does. making sure that she doesn't mess up at school. she wasn't the top student in our batch, she was actually third in class. she was well known. not only because she's smart [she thinks she is] but also because she was nice, kind and very friendly [and again, she thought she was]. she had guys falling for her. wanted to get her attention. but all she cared for was her grades and for her to make it to the top.

although she may look friendly, she only had one friend. that's because she was traumatized with what had happened to her in her early high school years. being back stabbed. and being hurt. she became the shadow of her only friend. constantly hiding in her veil and never tried to reveal her own true self. she was so afraid to come out of her sheets.

she then graduated with honors, but i couldn't remember her doing what she would want to do. what she wants for herself. what would make her happy. all she cared for was that people around her would be happy. would be proud. but she, she silently wept.

Lol at the title. I'm so bad at making titles. Anyway, just downloaded Photoshop CS3, and had fun playing with it. See that picture (first post). That's a picture of Ella and Choi, taken by my crappy camera phone. But I love the concept, so I tried, my very hardest, to edit it and make it more beautiful. (Or I think it is) Anyway, I'm still in the process of learning, so, for the meantime here's the manipulated version of the picture. *grins*

College. I always dreamt of graduating and being an architect at an early age. To satisfy my parents longing. To be above my sister and beyond compare. But in reality, my dreams came crashing down. Like a big pile of mud buried it to the grave. Everything turned upside down.

I never wanted to be in this position anyway. It's just that, I never really had a choice. All that was clear to me was that if I had not given up studying, not just me but my family will just drown in debt. I had to find ways to help out. Although, I had options, i really never reconsidered. Maybe I was too blinded to the fact that they really needed me to help out, blinded because all I could really see are a clear picture of guilt written, drawn and carved all over my face. I was not strong enough to choose for my own. Nor was I strong enough to stand up for what I thought was right. I had given up.

A couple of months ago, I found graduation pictures of my batchmates. I cried, one because I'm happy that they made it. That they got out of it with poise and passion. Second, I should've been there. I was suppose to be there with them. With all smiles, togas and all those long walks to grab that piece of paper that I longed for. But I wasn't. And seeing them already going through apprenticeship and reviewing for the boards. I was stuck here. Wondering what's next? And what's left of me?

Paused. But hasn't stopped. Will not playback but will move forward. What should've will never be what will be. Strike once more. ♫

One of the best covers I've seen in youtube. Although the piano skills are not that polished and there were errors at the end part of the song. But all in all it was all good. Made me like the song more.

Kudos to Kate from Plymouth, England. ☺ *applause*

I started creating fansigns because a friend asked me to do so. So here they are. LOL. XD

This is for Kira.

For Yin.

For Impression.

For McFly.

Karen's.

Camille le Zaytie's <3

Will be updating this as soon as I have all the list. ☺

I was so shocked to hear that my 21 year old friend is pregnant and is forced to get married with her boyfriend. They had a public confession this afternoon in our church. I have never imagined her in thits situation. I've always known her as a demure lass. She was always prim and proper, smart and very focused with her studies. We've known each other since we were kids, about 7 or 8 years old, since we go to the same church. After hearing the news, I was devastated. I couldn't picture her small statuesque body could bear an infant. What's worse, she doesn't have a job, she's not financially stable, she's the eldest in the family, has just graduated from college (FYI: A Nursing Grad) and has not taken the board exams yet.

This is not the first time I've heard about unwanted pregnancy or pregnancy at an early age. But this is the first time that the person involve is someone dear to me. I feel naive on what is going on with the world. Though I can't say that I'm not capable of doing such act. But then again, there is what we call contraceptives. And you have to be aware of what your partner is doing as well.

Apparently they didn't. I wanted to say I pity her because she's in a situation where she's not ready at all. But she wanted this to happen. She let a bomb explode in front of her, she never took cover or even tried to run away from it. The only thing I'm happy about is that she never opted for abortion. Which another sin. I'm just praying that this will serve a lesson. Not just to me, but to all women.

Yay. Talk about pep talk.

Meia.

I found “meia” in a japanese anime last 5 years ago. When I met her, I saw a strong and sturdy woman. The kind that stands up on what she believes in. Fights for her right. And will keep everyone she loved safe. Someone who doesn't even fear death.

I wanted to be like her.

Meia in the real world though, is frail. Hides when scared. Full of insecurities. Walks away from opportunities. Cries when in pain. I was the exact opposite of who I wanted to be. I embraced fear like it was a part of me. In the end, it tormented me in even when I'm wide awake.

Meia is but a dream away.

I found myself writing again.

Stressful. It has been 3 years. Well, almost three years since I started working. Everything was doing great until now. I felt that I need to give it a rest. Call center was not the kind of job I thought I’d be in. But here I am, I managed to stay with it for almost 3 years. I don’t have a choice. I had to work. And now, I have a choice to make. A choice that can make my life complete. Something that I can be proud of.

Surreal. Life has given me something I thought was just for dreams. Everything that I have felt, was magic. My sweet reverie. Love without reason. Unconditional. Undeniable.

Blur. My future is a blur. I don’t know what I want. I have no clue what I want to be. What I want to do. All the things I thought I wanted, I’m not sure if I want them still. And it hurts to know that there are people who sees me going for it. Had their hopes on it. I can’t make mistakes.

Confused. Still unsure. Happy.

Mixed emotions. Hallucinations. Fears.

Stressful. Surreal. Blur.